Memoirs of a DIVA Week 5: Layers of Onion

People with varying conditions have the option to receive corrective surgery. Many times, the person grew up with this condition and it was completely out of their control. For instance, if you’re a person with overcrowded teeth, you may have the option to have teeth removed and receive orthodontic care. There was nothing that you did wrong to have overcrowded teeth, it is just the way it is. 

This applies to our lives in many instances, in terms of trauma and such. You may have grown up experiencing trauma throughout your life that affects you in more ways than you know, but know that YOU CAN HEAL. 

On Wednesday, I attended the Love Collective call and met fellow D.I.V.A.s, which was a treat. During this session, we were faced with many questions that required us to dig deep and peel back the onion-like layers of ourselves. It was difficult, to say the least, but eye-opening and worth it. 

I found myself stumped on the following: what are my top 5 traits, how does each trait fulfill me, and how will that trait spill over into my relationship. Shay kept correcting me because I was more focused on how my traits helped others, and not myself. I wasn’t alone… 

The next question gave me clarity: “What is one fear I have of relationships?” My answer was that I fear not selecting the right person. Shay then asked, “Where in your body do you feel that?”. I felt it in my root and sacral chakra. Though I did not mention this on the call, my heart and crown chakras were feeling something as well. 

If you remember my first post, I mentioned Shay revealing my childhood assault/ rape to me, which I do not remember. Shay made this correlation during the Love Collective call and it got me thinking about a lot:

• The human need: Certainty is what drives me. I always needed to be in control of situations to function properly. My last relationship should have never started when it did, but if I am being honest with myself, I picked him because deep down I felt I could control certain aspects of the relationship. I felt I could ensure he wouldn’t do certain things to me. Knowing that my root & sacral chakra held so much trauma and pain, 100% verified my need and fears. Also, I tend to overthink, suppress my intuition, and I can honestly say that I don’t think I’ve ever been “in love”, which would explain my heart and crown chakras holding tension.

• My mom, who was molested as a child, always took sides with my cousin who was physically abused by her father and was sexually active at a young age. That bothered me growing up. It may be due to my subconscious crying for help since I related to her more than she knew.
  

One moment I have a breakthrough and think, “I'm HEALED, finally!”, then the next we have another layer fall off. I have to remind myself that this is a PROCESS, and not to be too hard on myself. 

As I mentioned earlier, throughout your life you encounter trauma and pain, but know it isn’t your fault. You have the option to correct (heal) what’s hindering you from finding not only love but your highest self. 

I write this blog entry to say a couple of things:

• This is a PROCESS: I have to remind myself of this often; so if you’re reading this and feeling down on yourself, please don’t. You aren’t alone…We’re human. I came across a post on Instagram today that said:

“The healing process is ugly as hell. It’s not bubble baths and aromatherapy. It’s accountability that brings guilt. It’s getting to the root of your issues which is triggering and intense. Processing trauma often means you have to relive it which isn’t easy but it’s worth it.” - @FLOTUK 

Shay once said in a live - when you want to start working out and go to the gym and pick up some weights for the first time in a while, you’re most likely going to be sore the next day. You don’t stop because you’re sore. Your muscles are tearing, and breaking down essentially to repair and build back up to grow and make you strong. It’s the same with this program. Our original way of thinking is flawed, so we need to break down those barriers and thoughts and rebuild our mind, body, and soul with new ones.

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